About a year ago now, maybe a little longer, I got this book and filled it with ways on how to accept yourself for who you are, have confidence, have high self-esteem, how to be more positive in your life, etc. I filled the book, from cover to cover, and then I never touched it again. Which doesn't surprise me, I tend to do that with a lot of things in my life, and that's something I will be working on in the next x amount of time it takes me to get out of this depressed state I've been in for a while now. Well, today I picked up the book and re-read some of the things I put in there to try and get inspired and motivated again. It worked, it make me write my thoughts down which I love doing because when I go back a read them it keeps me motivated, instead of me not every following through. I was migrating my programs from my old computer to my new one when this was going on, so I wrote my thoughts down in a spiral I keep with me. So I will transfer them into this post.
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I have a hard time accepting who I am and being happy with myself. I have been very unhappy lately and depressed and it scares me that I will fall into a permanent state of depression and not be able to come out. I already feel like I am so deep into depression that there is no motivation for getting out. I am constantly looking for a major escape but I never find it. I think to myself,
"Maybe tomorrow I will have the motivation to start to change myself to who I want to be and who he deserves."
Then it never happens. I wake up still depressed, not feeling any positive self-worth, or any confidence. I have been like this for months now. I find so many little and bigs things wrong with me, when I think about tackling them I get over whelmed with where to start or even if it is possible to tackle all of them. This effects everything in my life. It shows in my photography, it shows in my attitude, it shows in my work, it shows everywhere. Then I get insecure about ti showing and everyone noticing. This is a vicious cycle that has consumed me and it is effecting my life.
I am very aware that everyone has insecurities. I get mad at the ones who can hide their insecurities away and ignore them, not letting them effect who they are and them having a good time. I feel like I shouldn't get mad, I should be happy for them to have that much self control, discipline, and confidence. But no, I get mad and jealous, then most of the time talk bad about them to try and make myself feel better. I never do feel better after talking bad about them. I don't however feel bad either.
So my thoughts are, I am a procrastinator, who forgets a lot of things, I am the opposite of what I preach therefore I am self contradicting, which I hate the most. I have the lowest self-esteem I've ever had... at the happiest time of my life thus far, when things couldn't be more perfect. I have the most faithful, reliable, honest, fun, respecting, nice, smart, handsome boyfriend. We have a very nice apartment with things we wanted. We have two very cute, cuddly, amazing, funny dogs. I have the very beginning of my photography business/studio starting up. I got accepted into Texas State University, to get my Bachelors of Fine Arts in Photography degree. My parents both love and care about me, help me out with whatever I need whenever I need it, without judging me or putting me down. My mom is sober and is an amazing person and very happy in her life. That takes a huge burden off my back. I am working at place I love. All of this and probably more if I thought about it longer and I'm still depressed. This is hard for me to grasp, honestly. I am, or have been in the past, usually pretty damn good at always seeing the the good side of things and allowing only the good to effect me and my self-esteem. That obviously doesn't seem to be the case lately and I don't understand why.
So, like I've been telling myself for over a year now, I have to start changing other wise my depression will be the leading cause when shit hits the fan. I can prevent this from happening and only I can. I have to be more positive about everything. I have been through a lot in my life and I cannot let my past hold my future down and I have to be able to give my future a fighting chance. Today will be the day I start my 2010 new years resolution (therefore I am already tackling my procrastination problem) by loving who I am and accepting what comes with that. I will start small, positive, and open. Whenever I get a negative thought I will analyze why I was thinking negative, write it down, figure it out, and prevent it from happening again by then figuring out how to change that part of me. I will not hold back, lie, or sugarcoat things for myself. I will be honest, realistic, and positive. I will stop biting my nails and drink more water too.
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Is finding yourself finding ways of things that are most comfortable for you? Or is it finding things that are easy for you to keep up with and follow through with doing? If it's easy, what's the challenge then? To keep up with doing it? Does everything need to be a challenge?
"It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with: that I am nobody but myself."
- Ralph Ellison, Invisible Man
My Yogi Tea right now says,
Grace brings contentment.
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