I found out last night while cleaning up my last cup of Yogi Tea that each bag of tea has a little message on it. Better than a fortune cookie message. I drink a lot of tea, not all Yogi, but when I do and when the message is good, expect to read about it here.
I'm at work right now and CBS is here doing a filming of how our chat system works and a mock up phone call. I can tell by watching the girls that are being filmed that they really don't want to be filmed. I feel sorry for them because a filming crew is usually very demanding and they want things that are hard to do or nearly impossible. Or they don't exactly understand how we really work here. I have been in their shoes many times and it's hard not to yell at them. Kudos to the lovely ladies at work.
So I've been very down, unmotivated, and upset with myself a lot lately. I mean a lot. I get so down about how my body looks, how I physically feel, and not being a good enough girlfriend for my amazing boyfriend that I complain to my self all day long and in the end all I've done is nothing to help improve myself and everything to make me down more. I have a problem and I haven't figured out how to actually deal with it. I sit and sulk about it all day every day, everything reminds me of me and who I am not that I want to be. I am very insecure and this is a problem, a very bad problem. I don't really ever talk to anyone about it either. I keep it all to myself and that's not healthy. David and I have this fancy banquet fundraiser thing to go to in about 2 weeks. I got my amazing dress, it's getting alterations done, I got cute fucking shoes to go with it, I made my own jewelry to wear that I am proud of, but what is bothering me about all of this is how I look in my dress and how I'm not rail thin... I am not to my standards.
Now, I don't make myself throw up after meals, I don't under-portion my food, I don't have any eating disorders. I do however have IBS (irritable bowel system) and the effects that has on my body has an even worse effect on my confidence and how I feel about myself. I constantly feel bloated and very uncomfortable about 90% of the time. I very rarely feel good about myself and how I look. This effects everything about me and my attitude toward myself. I have tried so many diets and pills, nothing helps. I get so uncomfortable that I can't exercise, even though I know that is most likely the only thing to help me. I get very depressed to where I don't want to get up in the morning. I hate my body when I feel that way. My poor boyfriend hardly gets to see me at my best. I wont show myself to him if I am feeling that way or let him get near me in any kind of sensual way. I feel bad for him because he doesn't deserve any of that, or I guess anything that comes with dating me. But he is there for me, still, regardless of a lot of things, and that is the only thing I am really grateful for right now. That and my two puppies that I know for a fact never judge me, because they don't know what skinny or over weight is. They will never know so it will never matter to them. As long as I have my puppy kisses to wake up to and that handsome face on the pillow next to me, that's my only reason for getting up in the morning.
*****
So I started this post yesterday (11/23/09) at work around 4pm, got busy, went home, watched Stewie Griffin The Untold Story, then went to bed. Well, before I watched the movie my new macbook crashed on me and wouldn't turn back on. I am now turning it on for the first time this morning and now it's working better than ever....? what?
After re-reading what I was writing about I still think the same. I also think that I find so many things wrong with me, a bunch of little things, that I try changing them all at the same time. For example, I bite my nails, I get jealous over little things that shouldn't matter, I procrastinate like none other, I don't completely watch my eating habits and eat things that upset my tummy a lot, I don't exercise enough, I don't give myself enough time, I put myself down constantly, and most of all I am a bad money saver/spender. So a lot of the times when I am trying to change myself to who I want to be, I try to tackle all these things at once. So I'm finally learning that one can't do that to themselves, or at least I can't. I'm learning that doing all those things at once is a constant reminder of everything I don't like about myself, times 10. So maybe this time I shall try maybe 1 or 2 things at a time. Then it wont be so difficult or insulting to myself, that's what I hoping at least. Now if I can only figure out what it is that I want and/or need to change first. Should I go easy then hard, or hard first and the easy things will come natural later? Any suggestions?
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