I want David to be happy and nothing I can do does that, he's told me this. Whenever he is down there is nothing I can do to make him feel better or cheer him up. This hurts me so bad I don't think anyone could ever understand. I don't expect to turn his world around when he is down, but I find it hard to believe that there is nothing I can do to make him even smile. On the other hand, I haven't found anything yet... that I can afford at least. I feel like he thinks he can't confide in me or doesn't want to. that hurts. I don't want him to tell me every feeling of every minute of every day, but when something is bothering him I want him to know that he can rant to me. If that's all he needs to do, Im here for that. If he doesn't want me to speak back, I can do that. If he wants me to, I can do that too. But he doesn't ever want me to and this has been hard for me to deal with. Even after 2+years. This is how things are going to be and I'm not sure I can live with that. (don't just to conclusions people. I don't give up easily about things I am very passionate about.) I love this boy with all my heart, I really do. I am 100% okay with the idea of supporting him and being with him for the rest of my life. I have no interest in other people. When something happens to me, I want him to be the first to know. I put him first before people in my family. I love waking up next to him, I love going to bed next to him, I have date days/nights with him, I love his work ambition, I love his smile, his hair, how he is good at everything. I love his smarts, his craftsmanship, I love his ability to make pretty much anything and make anything happen. I love his kisses, I really love his kisses and his hugs. I live for the small touches he gives me when playing with my hair or rubbing my back as he walks by. It almost hurts how much I love all these things about him. I would do anything for him. No body really knows this and I feel like it's a major no no for me to tell him all that. So I, in the end, have to keep my feelings all bottled up. This hurts too.
[David drew this for me on my drawing pad on my phone when I first got it. It's my phone background and it keeps me going. and yes it says "I <3 the most beautilul baby" :)]
[and this is on the inside of my phone. yup, he wrote my name in piss on our garage at our last apartment. Is this how I know he loves me back? :) hehe, I think so.]
Rant in 5....
4....
3....
2....
1.
I want to get away so bad. I want to be anywhere but where I am. I'm happy with things in my life, but I want to travel and explore. Experience new cultures and learn new traditions. I am becoming to hate america and it's ways. yes I am thankful for freedom, but all we are doing is abusing that. and at that, how much freedom do we really have anymore? I get shit on by my family for posting something I believe in on facebook because they didn't agree with me. I get censored at an art school because someone get's offended. We are so constrained by these laws that are set up to make up fail and empty our bank accounts out to the government. Over and over again. This all came about because I was thinking about the next huge expense coming up in life (not just mine, but all of ours) and it ended up making me think about america and it's ridiculous culture, traditions, and ways it's created. Of course the huge expense I was thinking about was fucking christmas. I hate that god damn holiday. It's pointless. No one celebrates it for what it actually means anymore. It's all about greed, spending, and a god damn popularity contest. Yeah sure, let's spend about $500 on gay ass decorations that only get used for 2 weeks out of the entire year. And while some of it get's used again the year after there is always new stuff that people have to have, so they buy it. And let's spend another $500+ for gifts and traveling for people who don't even know my degree in college, my interests, or my beliefs. (Not that they care either) And just to make sure we empty the bank account to it's max (and some), ring out all my pennies and dimes to charity. Charity, really? That's what your calling it? Fuck you, it's not charity. I bet a larger percentage of the money raised during the holidays goes towards paying the people who organize the people going to collect the money. If we've been raising this money every fucking holiday season for I don't know how many years, why is it not enough yet? This could go back to the US not spending their money properly in the first place. Or even cities alone. $220 million for re-paving Mo-pac (loop 1)? are you fucking serious? Take at least 1 million of that and give it to the homeless. It's the same god damn thing as us donating all our spare change during the most debt collecting, bank braking fake holiday. You take it out of our paychecks anyways. But back to the topic of christmas, it's almost unheard of not celebrating it. I'll get shunned upon with my family when I tell them I'm not celebrating it. It's probably an ultimate sin for all I don't know. I've already tried telling the people who I thought would understand the most, my mother(s), that I'm not religious and shit hit the fan then. Why do christian people get so upset when someone decides not to believe? It's my fucking opinion and choice and it doesn't effect you so why does it matter? I don't get mad at you for believing? Doesn't "God" teach you to accept others for who they are and not judge? If the dogmatic God really does exist then he will let me know when I need to start believing just in time to save me from going to hell. I know I've done good in life. I do nothing but good for other people, I try to stay away from drama and conflict, and I do nothing but care about others. All though I personally like the heat, always have, maybe I'll finally keep a tan in hell if I do go there for not believing. Christmas is just another hallmark holiday to keep me living pay check to paycheck and in the cycle of this stupid american "dream." Fuck Christmas, I'm done with it. (I'm sure I could do some research and make my argument much more believable, but this was really a rant. thoughts in my head and piss me off. I could very well be wrong about everything I said, but I feel as if I'm not and that's all that matters.)
No comments:
Post a Comment