(blog post attempt #1)
I've felt the need to write very heavily lately. I haven't because most of the stuff I feel like I want to put down are just thoughts that I know I wont forget. Other things I'm not sure what I want to say about them yet.
A lot of my thoughts have been about realizing how the world actually is and trying remembering it that way. I catch myself believing things to be one way, I'm assuming based off of my feelings about them, and then I come to find out they are a totally different way.
(I started this post about 4 days ago because I just haven't been able to gather my thoughts on exactly what I'm going through right now.)
(Blog post attempt #2)
Mainly, my mood is different every day and sometimes different parts of the days. Over all, I am amazingly happy at how my life is right now. My life is in utopical serenity.
(here it is, yet another 2 days that have gone bye. I will get this post done and I will say what is on my mind. )
(ah, yes, blog post attempt #3. 3's a charm!)
The current readings floating around in my head are The Secret by Rhonda Byrnes and The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. Not only are these two books very inspirational, motivational, and enlightening to ones self, but they can also be very very misread and confusing. These two books are the guide that I have been (trying to) live off of for the past 6 months. I have been waking up everyday and noticing and acknowledging everything I am grateful for. I have a 30 min drive to school and 20 min walk to class that I do nothing but think. I have 3 1/2 hour long classes that I do nothing but think. Think. Think. Think. All I think about is my life, my David, my money, and the future. I'm fucking exhausted. All I've been trying to do is project good thoughts and feelings about my life in hopes that good things will come. If you've ever read or heard anything these two books, you know the basis of it is manifesting your life. The way it "works" is, if you are afraid of something or completely not afraid of something, no matter what you'll attract it in your life. So the way to go about life is only think good thoughts about everything, no bad thoughts. Only put of good and positive energy about everything because it will bring the good side of everything. When you're thinking bad thoughts you may not attract those exact thoughts (same with thinking good thoughts) but you attract the bad of that idea, or thought. You'll never know how things will happen, apparently they just will. If you spend your time with details on how you want your life to happen, for example:
you thinking: I'll interview for this job. They will ask a certain questions, I'm going to ace it and get the job.
That's too much detail for the Universe to handle. Waaaayyyyy to much detail. (From what I've learned) All you know is you have an interview and you may or may not get the job, no matter how bad you want it. If you spend your time just thinking about how bad you need the job and (you may not notice this but) you're really sending thoughts of insecurity. You're already relying on a job that you don't have by having thoughts about how much the job would help you out. Why? because you're already assuming you've got the job and when you end up not (because you weren't considering the outcome of not getting it, you spent all your time thinking about how much it would help and how much you needed it) you get disappointed. That's the whoooolllllleeeee thing behind it. We as humans expect (or look for) certain outcomes, mainly because we are too arrogant (<--that's just my opinion) And when we expect something and it doesn't happen, or the way we thought it would, we get let down, and we sure as hell don't look at ourselves for the reason why. We dwell on it and get upset and that causes more feelings of insecurity and fear. But it's all of this that I have been trying to pay attention to in myself. There is so much more to it though, words like Personality, Soul, and Ego. I'll let you read the books for yourself to get into the nitty gritty of that. The reason I mention this is because I truly feel like I have been projecting nothing but good thoughts, very optimistic, and not at all expecting. My life has been wonderful, perfect actually, until about 3 weeks ago. The frustrating part is I don't know what I've done wrong, not that looking for it will do me any help. By no means do I expect life to be perfect and care free all the time, I know things happen, life happens. I've been trying to stay strong and keep my head up, dismiss some of my feelings, but I feel like I cannot control them anymore. I feel like I want to break down and cry 90% of the time. I'm currently crying writing this blog because I'm so frustrated. I have no idea what I'm frustrated with, I have no idea what I want to think, and I have no idea what I want. I believe the hardest part about manifesting what you want is decided what you want. There is no possible way to know the outcome of things that you want. I haven't heard anything out of these two books about the outcome of manifesting your life. Sure, you live a great life in abundance, but what about the pressure? What about the pressure of maintaining it? Yes, I'm aware that rich people get poor because of the fear that they will lose everything. This is not what I'm talking about. What if I manifest what I want, I get it, and it makes me a worse person or it's not what I wanted? What if I become hateful and greedy? I already know the obvious answer my mentor through all of this would say, "Then those are thoughts of insecurity and fear and you will lose everything." Everything ties back to your thoughts and how you're projecting them. But I could see this happening even on the good side of things and it still having a bad outcome. For example:
I project good thoughts, good things come just like I wanted (without assuming how they happen, of course) and then I realize I don't want that anymore. I realize that I actually made something work that wasn't what I really wanted. Maybe because of "extra luggage" that thing I wanted comes with or because I learned about something new and better than what I originally really wanted, whatever the case may be. I "wanted" it because it was really nice, at the time. Kind of like a kid who really wants a puppy, gets it, and then realizes all the extra work that comes with having a puppy and then doesn't want it anymore, or at least doesn't want to take care of it.
Is that fair to yourself or the Universe? My point is, what if you really don't know what you want? Or what if what you want has a completely different outcome than you ever thought of, an outcome that hurts? I feel like this is my struggle. I could be wrong and over analyzing things, like I've noticed I've done in the past, but regardless it's a struggle and I don't know what I want to get out of it. I don't know what kinds of thoughts to have. I don't know how to feel about things anymore. Sure, feel happy and grateful, live prosperous, but how can one feel that all the time? That isn't fair to yourself. How is one really supposed to go through life without a struggle? If one did go through life without a struggle, what would be the point of manifesting your life? I simply don't know, a lot of things.
Another idea that's running through my head is, are these two books I've been talking off of really spiritual enlightenments, or simply a philosophical theory? I think the answer has an effect on how it works, the details in between and the outcomes it creates. And of course, I don't know the answers, just the questions.
No comments:
Post a Comment